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Not to mention it has lowered my self esteem completely to ask him for money when I need it. The 2 types are : 5. sitting in front of computer all day. Was supposed to start 3 weeks ago. Maybe your ex is not the right person for you. He hasnt worked since, he says he doesnt wanna work and gets mad at me for mentioning it one time so now I dont mention it he will apply for jobs and they will call for interviews but he wont go. This is about you. See if you can get out of it and find a more affordable living situation without being stuck supporting a bum who is unfaithful to you. So he gets the credential (after his hard work much to his credit)and he is surprised that the sky doesnt just open with raindrops of jobs. Its like hes obsessed with this. This summer, his underemployed job is providing no hours, so just the side gigs and my (not substantial, nowhere near 6 figure) income are what were living on. He just sat on his butt and kept saying, I just want to work! but he needs to bring in some kind of money NOW. I can tell a long story of my life with him and everything we been through but it would be a book. In the meantime, DO NOT give up! I get replys like oh your so dramatic, f. You. It has been five months and he is still unemployed. Hes been doing great and our life is slowly coming together. Be free! But, like the others stated, gets up late, stays up late, smokes pot. Its hard. I am so depressed now i just cry after we fight for hours. 47% of wives were primary income earners compared to 53% of husbands. I lost my home because he acted out in his job (not the 1st time, he lost 4 since I have known him). Its not much, but she wont take more and she snaps if I offer. His father died when my son was 10 so I had no options to not work hard, develop myself for fear of us being homeless or living with my parents. I love my husband but Im beginning to resent him for this. MY DH does some housework but very very slowly so he thinks he does a lot. He could come home from the most s***less job joke with you about it and both get a laugh then tomorrows a new day and new possibilities. Things will work out. We have been together over half my life as well as his. The man is supposed to be the bread winnerat least in the traditional sense. I dont care how much of a hard time she gives him. He plans on being a full time student, but I on the other hand would be part-time student and work part-time or full-time. Listening to all of your stories, I am asking God is there any relief for us? He told me we are no longer together but still shares daily relationship-like activities with me. If he never gets a job, I just cant do it anymore. Or, find someone else to mooch off of. Since he was paroled, he hasnt been able to keep a job because of his record. on Wednesday, June 27th, 2012 at 8:09 am. I am putting out my name for him and hes making a joke of it. He then drove away from her and took an overdose and died on a park bench. women spent 2.6 hours on such activities, while men spent 2.1 hours. I say discussion because it should be an ongoing, ever-evolving conversation, not a one-and-done talk that happened 15 years ago.. And if hes really not trying, consider leaving before its too late. He has not applied for a single one since learning I am pregnant. You are working with a child who needs to find someone as childish as he is. Jonathan Anderson gets one of the first qualities of great fashion that it has to feel a bit strange. Let me know if Im sounding too harsh. He has a full time well paid job but his dad says he doesnt have to pay anything to live with us. I work too much. You certainly find out who your phony friends are when youre out of work. My husband occasianaly mows the lawn or fixes something in the house but of course that doesn't happen every week. I pray for God to send me a si gn for guidance and strength. This is why so many people are unemployed because they are great, equivalent to franchise caliber free agents in sports and they are found to be weird or intimidating due to hiring managers being used to average and mediocre people. It was a full time gig, but he would come home with blisters on his hands. as i see it an sahm's role is to run the home, husbands job to provide the income and childcare should be shared. His family is incredible. I for the life of me cant figure out why she is so hung up on me quitting a secondary job that I was just working for extra money and how little she cares about how miserable it was making me. A husband who comes home frustrated every day when the dishes arent done might be surprised to learn that his wife prefers to clean the bathroom and before doing the dishes. Im so frustrated!!! I cant get over this feeling that she broke a promise to me. This is my first time really in an adult relationship but it doesnt feel like it and Im just really exhausted. Oh yes, he got his share of the property, an old Apple Mac with a dying screen. She demands me to pay;my rent! This has always been frustrating and unfair, but in the wake of COVID-19, the amount of work that needs to be done around the house has increased substantially with more . I now see that I was very ill and also isolated because I was hundreds of miles from family and all my friends were still in the fast lane. All he does is complain, but yet Im never allowed AND Im the one doing EVERYTHING!!!!!!! I know he struggles too, but I feel a lot of resentment and frustration like so many other people here. Privacy Policy and Now, its time to apply to online jobs but all he does is to play with our kid, play games on his phone, etc. And even you married him, you can dervoce. I turn to drink at times and thats when we have awful screaming fights born of massive frustration and unhappiness. I have wanted to leave many times. Yesterday she said she was meant to have an interview, but apparently the prospective employer didnt call her. Stop being such a bloody snowflake. In the past whenever I confronted my sister about her husbands unemployed situation, she always became defensive. Once we realized we were heading toward losing benefits, with no secure notion of a job on the horizon, we were forced to move from the high rent apartments we had been living in to a different state where the rent was only about 60% of what we were paying. You might just be subconsciously emulating this same dynamic you saw with your parents and then blaming your partner for it, she said. He has nowhere to go. But he knows already and Ive been realizing that. I wanted to be a chef for years. -A. Ive been with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years. Luckily her surgery was covered by her work insurance. Case is with insurance adjudication since 2011. 1. He feels bad hes not helping. So instead of saying, Remember you said you would mow the lawn today, consider some alternatives. Which he logically interpreted as I dont want to hear what he has to say about anything. I cannot pay all our bills. But i tried to be strong, i have let it go and o have thought she was never mine but i could not forget her. Unemployment and Housework in Couples: TaskSpecific Differences and We are both 30. When his parents give him a little bit of money, he spends it on himself. Gosh why does life get so complicated? They keep saying the economy has turned around and unemployment is half what it was at the beginning of the recession, but what about all of our partners who have actually been trying to find work and keep getting rejected? I am in the same position as you, I really just want our old lives back, where my husband takes care of all the bills and I feel loved and financially secure. Yet when he does come along to help, all he does is complain about how much he hates the work! I really want to leave him at times but when I try; he begs- he acts suicidal- he will make me feel horrible because he tells me no one can ever love you the way I do. I also dont feel I can talk to family and friends as they, my parents in particular, feel that I should be with someone who is earning and has a career path. He refuses to work, has bankrupted Me twice and has consumed so much money from my elderly parents that they are nearly starving. We have had 0 sex kife for months because i am afraid of him. You will have to stick to your word and leave in 90 days if he still wont work Because clearly that means he doesnt really love or respect you at all. Anyhow, I am SOO frustrated with the sight of him sitting ALL day on that computer I feel like I am married to a fixture in this house. My husband will not cook, as he swears up and down he's terrible at it and I'm much better (I'm not, I only know how to cook 3 things!). But whatever the reasons, unless you have connections your odds of finding a job after being removed from the workforce for a long period of time are about the same as winning the lottery and being struck by lightning at the exact same time on the exact same day. Unemployment in Families: The Case of Housework. - Europe PMC My husband of over 20 years decided he was not happy in his public service job and wanted to start his own business. He and kids lost health insurance and he spent up all of the severance . ALOT. Are you willing to pay for childcare? We still have sex 2-3x/week but it used to be everyday and used to be much better. He seems ignorant that because hes home a lot the heating and electricity bills are higher than when I lived alone, that my food bills have gone up. There is a difference between a spouse and a lazy ass. Hes amazing with me- caring- loving- sweet but his dark side is scary. i REALLY needed to hear them right now. Its incredibly concerning that when you express your needs, he goes right to your mental illnessas though him not contributing is your deficit. I think we are both too smart to be living DIRT POOR. Stay hopeful! I mean none. You messed up, now you got to fix it and its tough because feelings are involved games played and keep reminding yourself of what you deserve and what you want and are able to give In return, the answer will reveal itself and the thought of you hurting yourself because of some guy with two legs a penis and no sense only shows how he has got you right where he wants you. My depression and anxiety didnt get properly treated then and mental health was a taboo subject amongst family and friends. I, however, finished a degree, have maintained upward mobility, and now have full- and part-time jobs, both of which I enjoy. If I contemplate leaving, I look around, and nearly everything in this home Ive bought or made. Be patient, be supportive., I think to myself, Me, be patient? One thing that really bothered me in those days was the fact that my sister was unable to know how money he earned on monthly basis. Yes after all this I an praying for a breakthrough from God. He quit working after years of being fired after 1-2 years at most jobs. This is not just a problem with unemployment, its a full-blown mental health issue. The emotional roller coaster we both are on is not new to anyone reading this thread the excitement of job potential, the crushing defeat of not securing the job, the depression and inaction following that defeat. See, she blames herself as much as his parents. Their experiences are raw and revealing, and the interviews reflected an urgent willingness among wives to disguise their own fear and anxiety for the benefit of their husbands. He is at home every day. Your child will grow up seeing their father have a total lack of respect or consideration for their mother and think that its okay to behave that way. Meanwhile, Givenchy and Chlo fell short. She has a problem with anxiety and depression and the job she had and loved decided to automate all the duties that she wanted to do during her work day. He seems hopeful but as hes on edge as hes waiting to for news about the training. Needless to say his other woman soon had nothing to do with him when he had no job. I am very close with the kids (ages 11 to 16), and take care to prioritize their needs. Life exists after this drama ends. 1. How fd up is that? Any time I suggested steps to actually find paying clients, or to engage with other people in her field, or to network, or to do anything other than staying home and reading the blogs of more successful people, her go-to response is That sounds exhausting. I need to vent. Do you know how many times I have wanted to walk out of my job because it is horrible? He is not good with money at all, and I cant make him stick to a budget. Aim to listen, Clark said. I am so tired of being the responsible one that I just really want him to go and I will take care of my family myself. So spend some time discussing how to resolve this. Now I am covering them all. But things he does that arent money related actually are. And I lost count of how many times someone was scolded for blowing/passing up an incredible opportunity. When in reality that so called opportunity was little more than a scam or wasnt all it was cracked up to be. We had a baby a year ago and he is also a great stepdad to my child from a previous marriage that was very short. But how about support for the partners of unemployed people? As for the stealing from your purse, simply dont keep cash around. He does not vacuum, clean, shop, wash or cook. There were a number of short-term freelance gigs. He should be pulling himself up and taking care of his family. Like hes my kid and Im trying to raise him. I wish I had the luxury of quitting every time I got tired or bored or frustrated, and I hate myself for providing that luxury to her. Trust me, when I say I dont mind to continue to live in a cinder-block house and drive a 90s model junker. Of course, he gets cold but because he doesnt pay for the heat thinks nothing of switching it on instead of putting on clothing! And all this is hidden from his family who cares for him deeply. I paid for his training and his exams, which resulted in me draining over $5000 from my savings. I remember coming home one Friday after a long week at work to find him sitting on the couch, the bed still unmade and the trash can overflowing with smelly takeout containers. We have a small child (5m) and I care for him (we're both home due to COVID and work schedules). Youre youngyoull meet the right person eventually. and i have been many of these comments, in fact, i came to this website because this is my situation. He just began school again after winter break and just yesterday he stayed he needs a break from things. I am tired. If you leave him and file for dovorce, i bet hell get a job then! tied up in the relationship or family. As a positive person, it is incredibly draining to me to not only be the breadwinner and emotional cheerleader, but also to only hear negative things from him and never be able to voice my own concerns. Sometimes its due to work shortage but a lot of the time he hates the job and skips days over and over til they finally let him go. He is a scientist and had no interest in switching to a teaching career. I worked part time throughout school but obviously I wasnt making anything substantial. The most important thing to remember is its him, its something about his lack of respect for others his employers. I really believe that he does not like his job status but his actions convey a completely different message to me and I just dont know if our relationship will survive what I have witnessed. Ive wished, prayed, and helped my husband find work, but he simply doesnt want to. I dont know what to do. I am confused cuz I think he will spend his rest of the life like this. I love him or else I wouldnt have been so patient. Every time she messes ANYTHING up, especially if its somethign for me, she get depressed and teary. WOW that is so exaclty how i feel. I am 38 he is 40(41 in sept). Throughout these 6 years i have been jobless for maybe a total of 4 months. Its putting a strain on our relationship and I try to be encourging and supportive and do what I can at home and take care of our son but he still seems to be pulling away. I laugh at that because it really stinks of manipulation. I believe he wants to work but Im not convinced hes doing everything he can to get it. But after less than a year of teaching she was completely burnt out. He takes out the trash maybe once a week, but . He still has his hobby, staying up late to watch TV, while I am so stressed about my job, waking up at 6.15am everyday to go to work. Im still studying in college as well as holding down a partime job. LOL). He knows he screwed up, but when the guy told him dont come back, he went off on him in text. I make enough to pay our bills and a little extra, but I still feel like I got a bad deal. We increasingly fight and I have turned into a caustic nag seething with stress and resentment. Then a 3 month temp job that ended with ..surprise surprise a back injury, 10 months of workmans comp and a small settlement to pay him off. Im especially tired of all those people who tell me what they think about my husbands lack-of-work situation. I feel my partner should at least do a voluntary job for a church or a charity and thus show that he is willing to work since he cant find useful employment. I am actually in the same situation minus the need to travel, sort of. Mickarther, thanks for your comment it can only get better and somethings got to give, right? So, we got past that. I dont like how Im treatinghim, how were growing apart or who Im turning into. Including some places where the pills are still legal. As for how this has impacted me: I am growing very resentful and embarrassed at his lack of ambition, we fight all the time, almost daily, and Ive gained weight and stopped taking care of myself. All are forced to be passengers on the emotional roller coaster ride of a loved ones bout with unemployment. I worked full time at a job with a long commute and eventually had to take a lower paying job closer to home because he flat out felt it wasnt his place to help with our children or domestic duties. I keep gaining weight because I am eating as little as I can and I bet people think we are living high on the hog. I have to beg him to mow the lawn. Its now April 2014 and she hasnt found work since then. He insists that he runs an online business, but obviously if there is any truth to this it isnt really doing too well. No. They might be sweet, hardworking, positive before, but once they become unemployed and with no income, they change. I cook meals and do dishes etc most nights after coming home. If anyone feels the same and wants to talk Id be happy to. Aside from the financial burden unemployment places on a household, a spouse who continues to work faces his or her own issues in dealing with a displaced, depressed family breadwinner. We found out I was pregnant 4 months ago I was a cocktail waitress so I recently had to quit I feel bad bc he has to pay all of my bills. Why??? And you CAN do this. Immensely fed up at the moment It is New Years Eve and after a thoroughly awful Christmas, I think it is time to call it a day with my unemployed (for 4 years) partner. Am I being mean or rude? This was supposed to be very temporary while he found a job so we could afford our own place. My problem is he wont decide and he wont discuss. I have been in both places. My grandparent died early part of February. Although technically I am not unemployed I recently quit a second job that I worked part time and absolutely hated, the job made me miserable and brought about several changes to my personality for the worse. He tells me, I know we arent working, when I have a job and extra money I will go, but he never will at this rate. And, because I wasnt strong enough to get rid of him when there were red flags I stupidly signed a lease with him and now I am stuck supporting my ex-boyf who refuses to move out or pay his fair share. I want to be able to sing my own praises and whinge about the hours and workload instead of having to say how grateful I am to have a job at all. If it helps, download a habit tracker app so you can monitor your progress. I am no rocket scientist. When hes out of work (he has a part of the year job so this is frequent) he just hangs around the house. I didnt get proper advice there and felt swamped without a purpose to my days. Usually has a capable hard working partner who look after him. The only real difference with them not being here is I wouldnt have to constantly see them lounging around and doing nothing.. Still, its possible that he is oblivious to (or in denial of) these dynamics, says psychologist Brian Ogolsky, a professor at the University of Illinois who studies how romantic partners maintain healthy long-term relationships. While trying to help their significant other through what is a rough time, these women bear considerable mayhem themselves. I have been with my husband for almost 9 years married for 2. I think the thing that keeps me holding on is the fact that my husband cooks, cleans, and takes care of his own kids. Any thoughts readers? But, the stress of the last 6 years has been getting to me. It makes sense that relatively minor chore disparities didnt truly bother you at least not enough for you to act on it until you became the sole income earner, which comes with a lot of additional pressure. He has always been my rock and helped me since he hasnt been able to find a good job since the restaurant closed down. It helps to identify CO dependent behaviors, sources and solutions. My girlfriend and i have been together for 3 years now. Sorry, Im getting off topic. Dont mind it one bit,?in fact I love being able to contribute, but I signed up to be part of a team. This person is very moody and is difficult to get along with when they are in one of their moods I worked with this person in the past and saw first hand the way they spoke to and generally didnt get along with their coworkers. only on computer like the guy for 9 years, now 4 more, while I work 3 jobs 4 years. I appreciate the feedback. La. "Being in the car for the call is good; if it's bad news it allows me to decompress before I get home, so he doesn't have to see me worry," she said. Try to find out what he likes that he can make money out off.some people they dont like waking up early and face one thing the whole day but are good in business. The first 15 I was like please dont go. I have worked since i was 18 and 1/2 of that full time and half of that part-time. I been enrolled in school. By commenting you acknowledge acceptance of GoodTherapy.org'sTerms and Conditions of Use. At the end of day, what way you choose lead to an expected consequence. Im at my wits end. how sad that women have allowed themselves to be pushed so hard against a wall like this. I always paid for every activity we did and eventually he became depressed living with his parents so he moved into my apartment. I would ask home to help me pick them up and he would get mad and tell me Im lazy and half passed and I expect him to pick up the slack. My boyfriend has never been able to keep a job. Ive told myself this for 2 years and I dont know if I can keep doing it anymore. It sends a message to their partner that they are not expected to help and often, that they should not.. Youre just as capable of rooting her on in her career and playing in-house therapist when your 16-year-old experiences her first breakup. Am I crazy? He has never helped me pay a bill or the rent. Motivate your husband by doing the following: Have an understanding and a calm mindset toward the situation. All the best you Janet, and everyone on here. There are no jobs that pay what he used to make ($60K plus benefits). Should SAHM do ALL! the housework? - Netmums At least my DH love my children. But, I do everything around the home. GOOD FOOD too. He lives there too so he should be contributing to keeping it clean. In other cases, the roles reversed. You have two choices. There are many more things he doesnt do but for google that seemed a good start. I am 27 and she is 24. I asked him the other day to reflect on why is he the first one to be laid off, what is he doing at work to get himself on that list. Ive been with my boyfriend for 13 years now. my niece (16) and 2 nephews (14 and 7), I have grown to resent myself. Home Terms of Service Privacy Policy Sitemap Subscribe to The GoodTherapy Blog. You deserve a good life. Ive already caught him several times chatting with girls and flirting he doesnt call it flirting he calls it that he was stupid and that its nothing.. I love her so much and want to keep supportign her emotionally, but after 6 years of supporting her and now supporting a family by myself, Im running on empty. The GoodTherapy.org Team. So what about those like me? It is not easy to keep up with home, family, kids, cooking, cleaning, laundry, dinners, chores, running around, budgeting, etcto begin with. I actually have 2 jobs both are from home (thankfully). i have tried to leave my husband so many times, i even filed for divorce, but i came back to this situation, to try again, start over with hopes that things will get better. It can be out of the persons way, at a time that isnt convenient for them and even if they have the day off theyd probably rather spend it doing things they find a little more fun. So many times people have said theyd help me only to have something come up or remember that they had to do something. Yet many of these people are among the more critical. A few months ago he stop con tributing (my guess is he exhausted his savings). Thank goodness! I am working full time now on maternity leave. I feel so bad as my parents are paying for the majority of our wedding and they see that I am currently paying for everything else, and I fear that they then disapprove of him. Part of the reason (s) we currently arent speaking is I stuck my neck out and got him a job working with me at a restaurant located inside of a retirement community. unemployed husband won't do housework. The truth is most of us who have men who are unemployed and not really caring about the stress we feel We KNOW that we should run. But it is becoming more apparent that this is truly wrong. Youre situation is different because it isnt your fault that you were injured and you seem to be doing all you possibly can to help yourself. I also have 2 children from my first marriage. It was too stressful for me and when I met a gorgeous Swede on holiday I moved to Sweden. She wont even do something as simple as see a bank account closed, much less help with the household expenses. So back in brutal Britain I got some work again and then had a major relapse of my illnesses without anyone to offer me support. Wow, thought I was alone, so sick and frustrated that I went online seeking some direction. Since then he has had one job for a few months last summer, but that ended in September and he has been unemployed since. These are prompts, not certainties but please use them as entry points into new ways of thinking about your household. I can totally relate how you feel! Whereas my Mercedes (car) is driven by my husband. I worked 2 and 3 jobs our whole marriage and the bills are getting harder to pay. You will most definitely have days when you can handle it and days when youre at your wits end. plays video games, watches movies, youtubes, and plays with his cat. Physical pain ensued after my father passed away suddenly at the age of 65. My heart was totally broken that night. Wedding money- nearly gone. My partner has been unemployed for almost a year. It makes me really angry to spend all day working and taking care of the house as he just sits there playing computer games. Men Do Less Housework When Their Wives Earn More - The Atlantic I do all the cleaning, cooking, housework, laundry he just spends. I have nothing saved and I dont drive (bad accident) so I feel stuck. A study published this month in the Journal of Marriage and Family provides a step towards understanding their emotions. I dont mean you should put up to to such extreme situation but just let you know there are sometime magic can happen inside our human being. First, I am going to suggest counseling for you, make sure the therapist is using Mindfulness or DBT techniques. So here it is girls. He has a bad back and no hs diploma so finding work is hard for him, and sometimes I understand and am supportive. My husband has not worked since the birth of our second child and that was 8 years ago! Sometimes people think he who earns the most should have to do the least chores.. A good one. If he doesnt that means that he has little to no desire to help and support his wife. So, so wrong. My issue was that I never felt supported when we were in this situation that he wasnt doing anything around the house whilst I worked 60 hrs a week, that he wasnt trying to find a job, that he wasnt happy for my work related successes. She said she couldnt afford to lose her paycheck. And I LEFT. Meanwhile, he watches tv, bought a very expensive motorcycle to go joy riding all summer (without discussing it with me), buys expensive scotch, etc like he still has a lucrative job or is independently wealthy. So here I am with a husband who does not work, watches football most of,the time, and keeps sending cvs when after half a year it is apparent this is not going to work.